Monday, March 31, 2008


Visit me at:

It's a work in progress - but I'm hoping to have everything dusted and pretty for when you come for tea.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wii take this opportunity to discuss shoulder related injuries.

Husband bought a Wii...about two weeks ago. Despite the camaraderie it has brought to my family (even my Dad jumped in and played a round or ten of Wii golf), I need to take a moment to complain.

My freaking thumbs hurt so bad I swear I have a carpel tunnel sort of syndrome in them now. Guitar Hero is no longer my hero. I painfully played songs until I couldn't feel my fingers just so my daughter could "buy" her father Slash. Because Guitar Hero just isn't Guitar Hero until you can pretend to be Slash.

And while we're on the subject. If you have any familiarity with Guitar Hero at all, you know of the characters offered. My son...he digs the robot dude. Daughter? Casey Lynch...have you seen Casey Lynch? Can you say NEGATIVE ROLE MODEL? She wears a skimpy little bathing suit/bra top and some fairly tight leather looking jeans (from what I can tell by staring at a cartoon that is). The best part? Once you start making money, you can buy her new outfits!!! More bras!!! With matching leather pants!!!!! YAY!!!! Needless to say, we've had frank discussions on wardrobe choices and how one should dress should one actually play wild electric guitar on the back of an open bed semi-truck, or in the backyard of some stranger who surely is providing alcohol to underage kids. Make no mistake...your soul is going up in flames once you allow your kids to play the devil's music on Guitar Hero. The nature of the dress code says so.

Evil as it is though, Guitar Hero has its merits. Like when we are able to hook up via Wi-Fi to play my brother's family in mano e mano matches. My nephew strums like he is Satan Santana incarnate. Thanks to him, I've had to put my kids on a daily training regimen so we can cowboy up real good for the next match. Who am I kidding? We’ll never win against them…but at least we’ll have fun trying!

There are other more educational games to be had. All of which I hope become as eternally damned as I am for letting my kids play Guitar Hero - for the simple reason that they've kicked my ass. Several times. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that at the ripe old age of 33, I'm going to need shoulder, knee and cartilage replacement. Why? Because you get SUCKED in.

Wii tennis fools you into thinking that you are actually playing tennis. It's subliminal, the sneaky way that this happens, but happen it does. You start out ho-hummingly swinging your arms back and forth to hit the ball. By the end of the game though, you are swinging ferociously, huffing and puffing and then the inevitable happens. You smash your hand into the wall trying to do your best impersonation of a perfect back-hand. Venus or Serena, you suddenly realize, you are not. Kids are laughing, the judge on the Wii screen (who doesn't have legs or arms that are in any way attached to his body) is openly mocking you calling you a complete idiot and asking you if you got your tennis racket out of a Cracker Jack Box. Okay, so that last part, doesn't really happen, but the Wii players DO NOT have attached limbs-it's downright freaky until you get lost in the game.

By far, my personal favorite is Playground. Although, there is one deviant on the "Playground" that I wish I could find the "kick her in the head" cheat code for. She's clearly the bully of the place as her area of expertise is tetherball. What nice kid plays tetherball? Nice kids do things like play paper airplanes or slot car racers or maybe even a friendly game of wallball. Nice, this girl is not. You should see the smug look on her face when she beats me too - I seriously want to slap her. This is what she looks like...tell me this isn't the same bully from years ago that used to steal lunch money and kick dirt in your eye...I dare you.

See? You want to hit her too, I can tell!

Anyway, I made my son beat her so I could move on the the next level. Where's the cheat code to flip someone the bird on the Playground when you need it?

Seriously though? Buy the Wii...get sucked in. It's all in good fun (except for the slutty Guitar Hero girls). But, when you do get sucked in, be prepared for some really sore muscles for a week or so, until your body gets used to the pummeling it takes. Look on the bright side though, this is NOT the typical couch potato type game system. You do get your exercise...whether or not you are physically capable of handling it seems to be the debatable part. Me? Not so Probably WAY more than me. I'm off to ice my shoulder now...Casey Lynch needs the Vast Purple outfit tonight.

Monday, February 11, 2008

13 Years

Dear Husband,

As of today, we have been "us" for thirteen years, officially speaking. We have gone from unruly, uncooperative partners who threw things at each other (okay, so that was me...I'm the only one who threw anything), to card-carrying members of the World of Adults. We still fight, only now the difference is that we know how to walk away. We don't question whether or not "us" will be in existence the next day, next week, next month, or next year...we just know that we will be.

We've grown to learn each other's hot buttons. For example, you know that I am least likely to be happy to see your face first thing in the morning when I haven't yet had a cup of coffee (or nine, as seems to be the case lately). I know that you don't like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste for extended periods of time (because the toothpaste gets all crusty). I also know that you don't like it when I take a box of Cheez-its to bed with me - it's not the act itself of bringing the box to bed, it's the fact that I usually don't put it back where it belongs and it sits on our nightstand for a few days. You are a person of order, and I am the casual laid-back, complete opposite of that.

Every now and then, you read my mind. You put your hand on my back when I feel like I need to know you're right there - without me asking you to. You bring home small presents, for no other reason than you thought I might like it, and I always do, and it's always, ALWAYS something I've been wanting, but never once told you about.

You don't seem to know it, but you are a fabulous father. You want so much for our children and I know this is why you work as hard as you do. They don't know it yet, nor do they appreciate it fully, but they will someday soon and it will make you realize for once and for all that it was worth it, that you've made a difference in the world because of the way you've raised your children.

From when we first met, you've made it your mission to make me laugh. What you don't realize is that what makes me laugh most is the sound of your laughter-I find it contagious and it makes me happy to "hear" you happy.

With you, I'm safe. I'm on common ground with you. We are partners on this road we've chosen. I've never regretted walking with you, not once, not ever.

You are my love; my life; and I'm so glad we crossed paths that one night, thirteen years ago.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Yes, I fake it.

And my husband knows ALL about it. In fact, he's completely okay with it and helps me do it once a year.

Get your minds out of the gutter and stop thinking about the word that starts with an "s", ends with an "x" and has an "e" in the middle. We do that twice a year. Jeesch...start thinking about Jesus (he is the reason for the season) and not something, well, that most of us have no time for anymore anyway.

I'm talking about my Christmas tree. It's fake, and I'm probably going to be burned or beaten or whatever by my real-tree-loving friends, but I admit it. In fact, I LOVE MY TREE! Go ahead, hate me for not having a real one. But consider...

  • It's environmentally friendly (at least until you throw it away) - no need to harvest a tree!!!
  • It always looks perfectly cut. That is, unless you allow your kids to form the fake branches. In that case, it may end up looking like a drunk Johnny Depp and his freakishly long scissorhands got to it.
  • There's no need to host a "tree burning party" after Christmas. Think of all the cleaning and unnecessary food preparation that saves you!
  • No scratches on the roof of the car! No bungee cords to wrastle with!!! It comes in a box!!! A box you can put in your trunk!!!
  • No need to water - again, think of the environment and the tap water you are saving.
  • Minimal clean up - no wayward pine needles for you to vacuum up. Of course, there more than likely will be a couple of the wayward plastic/vinyl needles that tend to fall of the tree (especially when your kids "help" with putting it up). BUT, you only vacuum those up ONCE! There's no repeat!
  • Great ROI - I'm on year number 11 with this tree. We originally paid about $100 for it. So technically, I'm "getting" a 6-foot tree every year for the bargain price of $9.09. Where can you get a tree THAT cheap and still have it look good?

I know there's more fakers out there...come out of the stocking, or the chimney, or where ever it is you've been hiding (statcounter tells me you ARE there, you just choose to not make yourself known!). Tell me your reasons for faking it and there could be a prize!!!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Goodbye House

Ding-dong the house is gone! The house is gone! Ding-dong the house that wouldn't sell is gone!

It took us TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and we dropped the price about 100k since we originally listed it, but we finally sold it. Now, ordinarily this might not seem like a big deal, BUT, last year, we bought a home that we fell in love with and we have been carrying two houses for well over a year now. Something had to give, and soon.

Just to give you an idea of what we went through to sell, here’s a bit of a background for you. We’ve had SIX contracts on the house that have all fallen apart for the following various, and (sometimes) incredibly ridiculous reasons:

Contract Number One: The buyer is unable to borrow the 80k she apparently needs to buy our house from her dad. She’s one of our neighbors and also has a house to sell. Oh yeah, and she forgot to sign the contract that our agent sent her.

Contract Number Two: The wife of the couple that’s trying to buy our house has a double stroke and slips into a coma two weeks before closing.

Contract Number Three: Buyer’s wife decides she wants a different house three weeks before closing and we end up going to court with them over the good faith deposit (we won).

Contract Number Four: Turns out to be a rather shady dude whose house is in foreclosure and who also tries to win our sympathy by telling us that had he not taken a smoke break when the first plane hit the tower, he would have been a fatality of 9/11. Really now, a much more compelling, yet believable story could have been told like that his wife left him and took everything in the divorce so she could complete her life long dream of herding goats somewhere in the Middle East. THAT would have been more believable to me, especially since I googled the guy and his website CLEARLY states he had his real estate business, HERE in this STATE that we both live in for more than thirteen years. How he could manage to lose every bit of his “business” in New York, but yet still run a “successful” real estate business here, is nothing short of confounding in nature. Needless to say, we walked away from him (perhaps ran would be a better choice) when he requested we do an off-the-books side deal that would get him an additional 15k in cash.

Contract Number Five: The buyers in this instance just couldn’t sell their house and the poor souls gave up trying. We know their pain…more than we care to admit.

Contract Number Six: The buyers love the house and then proceed to ask for enough money to fix EVERY little thing that came up in the home inspection. We ended up dickering, and dickering, and then finally, they got frustrated and walked.

Two months ago, we decided we would pull it off the market for a year and try to rent it out. As it turned out, our renters wanted to buy it. We closed last week.

This is a weight lifted off us like no other. Do you know what this means? Selling this house means we can now afford to buy shoes for the kids and maybe, just maybe some food other than the “five boxes of mac-n-cheese for five dollars” we’ve been feeding them. I’m kidding! It’s been tight, but not THAT tight. Seriously though, what this means is we can move forward on a bunch of projects we’ve been planning. Maybe fatten up our retirement funds a bit more and pay off the cars…who knows? It’s just nice to not have to send that extra check out every month.

On an end note, I don’t recommend at all the carrying of two homes at once unless you’ve either married into money or have a successful prostitution ring on the side that covers one of the mortgages. On the off-chance you don’t have either of those two options available, I strongly recommend waiting…until like, 2010 or so, when the housing slump is “supposed” to be over. Come on now, it’s only another two years…

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

An Interview by (a) Crazy Lady (in Vegas, of course)

So, Kari (a.k.a Crazy Lady in Vegas) was doing this interview thing, wherein her friends asked her a bunch of questions, she answered them and posted them on her blog. I jumped in and wanted to play. She emailed me some questions to answer, and I started to...I really did, and them the life got sucked right out of me by some unforeseen events (surprise b-day party for my husband that I waited to the last minute to prepare for AND plan). Alas, I now have some time, so without further adieu, I bring you my interview with Kari!!!

How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage?

It took my husband a mere three years to realize that he had, in fact, landed a gem. I mean, those less-than-stellar cooking skills! OH MY! The fact that the gene we like to call “domestic goddess” was totally bypassed on this one! WOW!!!

Don’t let him fool you, he knows he scored big with me.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

In general? My life is a constantly occurring embarrassing moment – I liken it to a freakish Merry-Go-Round. But, if I can only choose one…

The time I took my then 3 year old son into the bathroom with me at Sears so I could pee. As I was hovering over the toilet (you all know what hovering is), my son leaned over sideways and looked at me all confused before exclaiming, “MOM! YOU PEEING OUT YOU BUTTHOLE”. The snickering was endless from all stalls. I couldn’t wash my hands fast enough.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

This one is tough. Some days, I really want to go back to Montana (it’s so CLEAN compared to a lot of places). Others, I don’t ever want to move…I just wish for the ability and money to travel anywhere, whenever I want to (oh, and the ability to leave the kids, whenever).

What do you do when you are feeling creative?

Sadly, most times, I attempt to clean the bottomless pit of despair we like to call home. Other times, I give my best shot at knitting scarves (two currently in progress) and making jewelry.

Its time to cook dinner for some VIP – What do you fix?

Macaroni et fromage – that’s French for “This is all I know how to cook. Suck it up and eat already.” It’s a very famous dish, I swear.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Breaking News

NEW HAMPSHIRE A brazen attack on a home here has authorities calling for a nationwide manhunt for the “Backwards Burglar”.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” says Lead Investigator House Izzawickeddirty, “The perpetrator actually added stuff to this room with little to no concern as to what it would do to the child’s mother!”

Exhibit A - The Room

An apparently invisible burglar wore nearly every article of clothing and left it all in a heap on the child’s floor. “This is shocking to me, especially since I JUST DID HER LAUNDRY TWO DAYS AGO and I was assured by her that I had gotten it all!” cried the mother, who wishes to remain anonymous. In a bizarre turn of events, the burglar also crammed what authorities are referring to as “mountains of crapola” into the girl’s room AND into the mother’s craft room next door. “I just don’t know how we’ll recover!” the mother sobbed when speaking to reporters “I mean, I can’t possibly catch up on all this housework!”

Exhibit B - Some of the laundry in question

Exhibit C - More of the questionable laundry

Exhibit D - The Craft Room

Authorities are mum on what they believe to be the motive behind this unusual attack. "You don't typically see this type of job 'round these parts." says Izzawickeddirty "Usually, the crooks TAKE stuff away, they don't leave more. I'm just outright befuddled how something like this could've happened."

When questioned, the little girl whose room was attacked stated simply “I don’t know how it got this way…coulda been my brother, but then, it coulda been the aliens too…I just don’t know."

Exhibit E - The child

Even with little information from the child, authorities are confident they will catch their kid man. “We have our leads.” says Investigator Izzawickeddirty, “The crook left handprints on the windows and all down the stairwell. We’ll catch him!”

Exhibit F - Finger/handprints of the perpetrator(s)

Exhibit G - More prints left on the walls by the crook(s)

Anyone with information, or ideas on how to prevent this type of crime from ever occurring again is asked to call the House Crimes Hotline at 1-800-CLEANUP.