To the men in my house...

Dear Pissers:

Today, while cleaning the home that you occupy (with me), I had the immeasurably pleasurable task of cleaning up your pee.

While I enjoy my newfound job as the "Chief Cook & Bottlewasher/Chauffer/Laundry Do-er", I do NOT, repeat, DO NOT have a fondness for scrubbing your pee from every surface of every toilet in this house. I feel there are some things you need to be made aware of:

1 - As a male, you have a built-in, God-installed pee-pointer. This means, you direct your pointer where the pee needs to go. Try aiming it, and 9 times out of 10, it will go where it is supposed to.

2 - If for some reason, you feel the need to "shake" your pointer to remove excess pee, DON'T. I do not care to find your droplets on my wall, on the floor, or any other location in the bathroom other than inside the BOWL of the toilet. It's called toilet paper - use some.

3 - Do not dance, pretend you are a member of House of Pain (a la Jump Around) practice your jumpshot, or otherwise MOVE at all while peeing. Again, seeing your pee on my walls is not something that makes me smile.

4 - One of the inherent differences between women and men happens to be the "sit vs. stand" factor. In case you were unaware, you stand, I sit. As such, I do not want to sit on the rim of the toilet, I want to use the part of it that I'm meant to - the seat! The next time you leave the seat up for me, I promise you, I will place your head in the bowl, and lovingly apply the most violent swirley known to mankind.

5 - To expand upon #4, also be aware that because you stand, you should lift up the seat so as to widen the circle you point your pipper to. When you choose not to lift said seat, the odds of you pissing on my seat increase from 0 to 100% in no time at all. With this in mind, let me introduce a sub-section of instructions for you to follow:

a) lift seat
b) commence piss disbursement
c) put seat back into position you found it
d) WASH YOUR FLIPPING HANDS! (Another irritant I will discuss with you later)

6 - At this time, I also feel the need to direct your attention to the fact that I realize you are all capable of performing #2 on your own (NOT rule #2, the actual #2, wherein you smell up the house). I realize that because you are capable of this, I KNOW you are also knowledgeable enough to replace a roll of toilet paper - CORRECTLY. I am not picky about whether or not the roll faces upward or downward, just as long as you actually place a roll where it's supposed to go. There is nothing worse than to be a woman rushing around, finding those few extra seconds to pee, only to look over and see that there is not even a smidge of TP to be used. While you may find it funny to picture your mother/wife shuffling to the closet to locate an MIA roll of TP with her pants around her ankles, I assure you, it is anyting but (no pun intended).

Lastly, in the interest of gender equality, I do hereby agree to pick up the teeny-tiny pieces of feminine hygiene product wrappers that inadvertantly miss the wastebasket. I also agree to put away the miscellaneous boxes of the above mentioned products so as not to embarass you when you are meeting with other groups of unreformed pissers in this house.

Oh, and one more thing: failure to comply with my simple requests will result in the complete nullification of what I said in the previous paragraph AS WELL AS the horrifying chance that I will no longer feel the need to wash your undergarments. Oh sure, I'll pick them up from your floor, or where ever else you leave them, and I'll place them near the washer - just to give you the sense I'm doing you a favor. BUT, when you are not looking, I will don my yellow plastic cleaning gloves, carefully fold your underroos, and place them back into your dressers, dirty as they are. You may just end up being the smelly kid at school/work after all. Carefully consider your options here...

Thank you for what I assume will be your prompt adherence to these guidelines.

Love,

Mama