Top 10 things to think about BEFORE getting a puppy...

10. "Getting a puppy might take your mind off having that additional child" (In case you were wondering, this was my reasoning. I'm convinced I need therapy). The cold hard reality is that it IS JUST LIKE HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. One that poops E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E and pees indiscriminately. See that nice rug? Yeah, there's dog pee all over that.

9. Sleep? Fuggedahboudit. You are now the proud owner of a dog that will whine incessantly until it falls asleep, only to wake up about 4 hours later to take it outside to do it's business. It's like breastfeeding all over again, without the benefit of bonding.

8. Want the dog to be yours all yours? Get one the exact opposite sex that you are. Girl dogs love their male homo sapiens, in fact, they make out with them constantly (once I can catch my hubby on the digital doing this, I will post proof).

7. If you already have a dog in the house, I urge you to be 100% sure you want to bring another pup into the mix. Otherwise, be prepared for endless yapping, biting, nipping and horseplay between the new "siblings". Oh yeah, and it's LOUD yapping too, with lots of growling on the side.

6. To accompany #7, I am forced to introduce you to the world of dog humping. No, it's not something you just see on television. It happens. At first, my older dog Hailey would occasionally do it to my husband, if she hadn't seen him in while. Since the introduction of the new puppy, it happens A LOT now. I'm told it's a dominance thing. I think not. I am convinced that the increase in frequency of her hump-fests have little to do with dominance. I think that she's playing with chew toys on the other side of the fence, if you know what I mean. I don't think Hailey's gay, I think she's bi-curious. In the dog world, the other side of the fence is the human race - and Hailey wants her some of that. Basically, I'm alerting you to this fact should you decide to bring a puppy into a house that is otherwise occupied by another dog filled with sexual angst. It's something to think about, no?

5. Did I mention the sheer amount of paper towels you will need? Buy stock in Bounty, or some other super absorbent brand. That way, when it's 4 in the morning and your bare feet just slid across the floor on some cold pee, you have enough paper towels on hand so you can easily reach some to clean up the mess (I have yet to step in poo; when that happens, I will edit this post).

4. Piss and Poo. Lots of it. 'Nuff said there.

3. To go along with the overabundance of pee & poo items I have, I just want you to be prepared for the smell. You think that you can handle picking up crap that crawled out of a dog's bum, because, hey, you wiped your kids' bums for YEEEAARS and never dry-heaved once. This is a whole 'nother party, with all different smells. Smells that will overpower, overwhelm and put a pasture full of cow turd to shame. Don't say I didn't warn you on this.

2. More that will make you yak? Puppies eat anything they can put their little sharp-toothed mouths on. This includes ants (which, I will admit, is quite comical to watch as the ants are sometimes smarter - if you can imagine - than the puppy), worms, and the coup de grace - fricken HUGE beetles. I thought I'd seen the worst when I watched Bella run away from me with a worm dangling from her little snout, but nope. Today she tackled a beetle as big as her nose, and chewed it long enough for me to run into town and back (I didn't really run into town, I'm just using that to show you time frame). Apparently, beetles are chewy.

Oh yeah, and puppies have a penchant for shoes, and also socks that are still on your feet. Puppy teeth hurt. I told you in advance, it's your fault if you forget this.

1. This is the one that turned my stomach for days. It may or may not happen to you. I put it out here for your review and consideration...just in case. As I said in #2, puppies eat everything - that does include hair. To provide you with a lesson in digestion, here's somewhat of an algebraic equation:

puppies + swallowed hair = puppy chasing it's own ass around because it has a hair hanging out of it's butthole

This also equals you pulling out the offending hair from said butthole. This equation holds true for other lengthy materials that your puppy might ingest such as string and shoelaces. While the latter hasn't occurred in my house yet, I threw it out there to educate the public on the dangers. Because really, who wants to pull something out of a dogs bum anyway?