Noah wuz here...

and frankly, he was a little miffed that trucks didn't stop for him like this -

So he put up a sign to make sure EVERYONE knew he was here -

Meanwhile, Satan was getting tired of listening to the masses trample on the ground above his head, straining to get a look at the damn dam that was going to burst, so he installed a direct pathway to hell.




Because hey, if you aren't on the Ark, you're quite obviously late for your appointment in H-E-double hockeysticks.


**Yes, these are actual pictures taken today. The first one was a guy that tried to drive across a road that was clearly posted as closed. The second one, I took on my way to Dover this morning, and the third one I took because I was told that a billion people were standing there yesterday, taking pictures of the dam because it was so close to bursting (it didn't). They were actually taking pictures of their kids in that very spot because something like this only happens once a century. They crawled through the BRIGHT YELLOW "DO NOT CROSS" TAPE to take their pictures! Today, there was a lovely sinkhole where they had been. They are lucky that they didn't fall through yesterday!

Apparently, I'm an ANGRY mom...

This is the card I received for Mother's Day from my daughter. While I appreciated all the time she took coloring, I was alarmed at the words that the creative process that is making a mother's day card for your mom at school, churned out.

Take a look -



Here's the breakdown:

Left Side -

Lovely Mom (awwww...I think ALL daughters think that!)
Organized (YESSSSSSSS!)
Very Angry (here we go! ALL ABOARD THE ANGER TRAIN!)
Egeer (translation: eager...to go to anger management classes, perhaps?)

Right Side -

Mi real Mom (translation: My Real Mom - apparently she didn't believe me when I told her the stork dropped her off).
Open to suggestions (as in, "I don't think we should have to have chores Mom"?)
Totally Cool (Rock ON!!!)
Have Love (akin to Got Milk?)
Exiting (she says it means exciting, but really I think she's pushing me out the door for my uncontrolled, yet unapparent to me, anger)
Really Beautiful (she's got the sucking up down to a science!)
So Cool (Being that she just discovered that I am her real mother, I would say I would have to be cool!)

Dilly Daling (translation: Dilly-dallying. How the hell did she know that I surf the web all day?)
Angry well some times (here we go AGAIN! I'm sensing a theme here, perhaps I should look into counseling?)
Your a awsome mom (I think you get what this means - I'm an awesome, anger-filled mother!)

*******************************************************************************

Now, I'm confused by this card on so many levels. Does she really think I'm angry all the time? Or, was she lost when it came to locating a word that started with an "A"? OR...could it be that she's already figured out how to take the sting out of not-so-nice words by surrounding them with compliments ("your a awsome mom")???

I confess that our house is not a quiet one. We are a vocal family. Discipline is doled out in stern, loud voices. Anger though, doesn't hover around for long. This is why I'm confused about the double appearance of the word in my daughter's card.

So, either she thinks I've an anger problem, or I'm just your run-of-the-mill, eagerly organized, beautifully cool mom who is exiting the house to dilly dally with the suggestions of my children that make me angry...well, sometimes.

Anyone have a canoe I can borrow?

Even a kayak or a small fishing boat might work for me. It would be super too, if you could include the paddles as I don't have any of those. What would actually really work for me though, is one of those nifty paddle boats so that my whole family can partake in the fun.

See, where I live, some of the roads look like this picture, taken today in NH:



Nice huh? AND, just so you know the reasoning behind my request for an aquatic vessel of any shape or form, I had to leave my car at my friend’s house because her driveway got washed out in all of this rain that New England is currently experiencing. When we tried to leave my friend’s house last night, the end of her driveway was nothing but a 3 foot wide ditch. So, rather than try to jump the ditch Dukes of Hazzard style, we opted to stay put. The town had trucks out working on the roads so we figured that we would be all set to leave in the morning. NOT SO. When we woke up this morning, the ditch was an awesome FIVE feet wide, and three feet deep. We called upon my husband’s father to come and pick us up, which he did, but not before we had to cross the ditch.

Even better than being stranded without the benefit of Survivor-esque vote-off’s, is that while the husband, who is a nice and rugged 6+ feet tall, and the kids, who scale tall buildings in a single bound - can cross the five foot ditch no-problemo, the mom who totes an egregiously large purse (I tell everyone it’s a “day-bag”) laden with so much girly crap that it weighs 50 pounds – cannot. Oh, and did I fail to mention that I was wearing cowboy boots? Ones without any tread on them and made of a nice, soft brown leather that has a tendency to get ruined when wet. Do you think anyone offered to help me out of the ditch while the water ran over my feet? Nope. Happy Mother’s Day to you! Phooey.

Those boots were my favorite. Services will be held tomorrow at the Church of the Holy High Heels. Please wear your rain gear, I don’t think it’s going to stop raining anytime soon. Oh, and don’t forget your paddles – I don’t know when I’ll get my car back!

Sweden!!! Flipping Tokyo?!!!!!

So, I was nosey, errr curious about who was visiting my site. I installed a stat counter last night out of sheer vanity, just to see. Within 30 minutes, my new "friend" counter told me I had 3 visitors. 3 VISITORS, IN 30 MINUTES!!! I was ecstatic, furiously writing acceptance speeches for the various awards I was to receive. I mean, surely, 3 visitors in 30 minutes correlated to at least 144 visitors per day! While I was putting on my crown, my husband looked at my stats. He kindly informed me that while I did in fact have 3 visitors, the real truth was that the 3 visitors were: me, me, and me.

I deleted my acceptance speeches, and closed the cover to my laptop. I went to bed thinking this would be funny to blog about. When I woke up this morning, I checked my blog stats again. I had 3 more visitors last night! Before you ask, none of them were me. One was Blog Explosion, checking out my site to see if it would be accepted (it was), one was from Sweden - landing by way of a google search - and I'm VERY interested to know who that is, so if you are reading this, drop a girl a comment and tell me who you are! I then saw one from Tokyo---it was somehow from/through my new pal crazyladyinvegas. I'm not sure how that happened, being that her name pretty much tells you that she's in Vegas - I'm guessing it's because I posted on her site and they followed that link? She is a visitor though, and dammit, I love her for pumping up my stats!

Let's just say I'm excited about this whole stat counter thing. You never know what kind of visitor you are going to get, or where they're from. Yet another thing to keep you online all night!

Sometimes, they make you forget that they just crapped on your shoe...

Hoochie Puppy waiting for a date....

Secret Agent Dog Hailey wearing the latest of her disguises. She's hot on the trail of some rogue bees...

My name is Bella. I'm 15 weeks old. I like long walks on the beach, licking my own butt, and chewing the hell out of anything that resembles wood or insect. I'm looking for some companionship and loyalty for life. Only dogs that have been ungendered will be considered for meeting - serious requests only and must bring mini-bones.

Top 10 things to think about BEFORE getting a puppy...

10. "Getting a puppy might take your mind off having that additional child" (In case you were wondering, this was my reasoning. I'm convinced I need therapy). The cold hard reality is that it IS JUST LIKE HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. One that poops E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E and pees indiscriminately. See that nice rug? Yeah, there's dog pee all over that.

9. Sleep? Fuggedahboudit. You are now the proud owner of a dog that will whine incessantly until it falls asleep, only to wake up about 4 hours later to take it outside to do it's business. It's like breastfeeding all over again, without the benefit of bonding.

8. Want the dog to be yours all yours? Get one the exact opposite sex that you are. Girl dogs love their male homo sapiens, in fact, they make out with them constantly (once I can catch my hubby on the digital doing this, I will post proof).

7. If you already have a dog in the house, I urge you to be 100% sure you want to bring another pup into the mix. Otherwise, be prepared for endless yapping, biting, nipping and horseplay between the new "siblings". Oh yeah, and it's LOUD yapping too, with lots of growling on the side.

6. To accompany #7, I am forced to introduce you to the world of dog humping. No, it's not something you just see on television. It happens. At first, my older dog Hailey would occasionally do it to my husband, if she hadn't seen him in while. Since the introduction of the new puppy, it happens A LOT now. I'm told it's a dominance thing. I think not. I am convinced that the increase in frequency of her hump-fests have little to do with dominance. I think that she's playing with chew toys on the other side of the fence, if you know what I mean. I don't think Hailey's gay, I think she's bi-curious. In the dog world, the other side of the fence is the human race - and Hailey wants her some of that. Basically, I'm alerting you to this fact should you decide to bring a puppy into a house that is otherwise occupied by another dog filled with sexual angst. It's something to think about, no?

5. Did I mention the sheer amount of paper towels you will need? Buy stock in Bounty, or some other super absorbent brand. That way, when it's 4 in the morning and your bare feet just slid across the floor on some cold pee, you have enough paper towels on hand so you can easily reach some to clean up the mess (I have yet to step in poo; when that happens, I will edit this post).

4. Piss and Poo. Lots of it. 'Nuff said there.

3. To go along with the overabundance of pee & poo items I have, I just want you to be prepared for the smell. You think that you can handle picking up crap that crawled out of a dog's bum, because, hey, you wiped your kids' bums for YEEEAARS and never dry-heaved once. This is a whole 'nother party, with all different smells. Smells that will overpower, overwhelm and put a pasture full of cow turd to shame. Don't say I didn't warn you on this.

2. More that will make you yak? Puppies eat anything they can put their little sharp-toothed mouths on. This includes ants (which, I will admit, is quite comical to watch as the ants are sometimes smarter - if you can imagine - than the puppy), worms, and the coup de grace - fricken HUGE beetles. I thought I'd seen the worst when I watched Bella run away from me with a worm dangling from her little snout, but nope. Today she tackled a beetle as big as her nose, and chewed it long enough for me to run into town and back (I didn't really run into town, I'm just using that to show you time frame). Apparently, beetles are chewy.

Oh yeah, and puppies have a penchant for shoes, and also socks that are still on your feet. Puppy teeth hurt. I told you in advance, it's your fault if you forget this.

1. This is the one that turned my stomach for days. It may or may not happen to you. I put it out here for your review and consideration...just in case. As I said in #2, puppies eat everything - that does include hair. To provide you with a lesson in digestion, here's somewhat of an algebraic equation:

puppies + swallowed hair = puppy chasing it's own ass around because it has a hair hanging out of it's butthole

This also equals you pulling out the offending hair from said butthole. This equation holds true for other lengthy materials that your puppy might ingest such as string and shoelaces. While the latter hasn't occurred in my house yet, I threw it out there to educate the public on the dangers. Because really, who wants to pull something out of a dogs bum anyway?