Thursday, July 27, 2006

What I've Learned While Staying Home

Here are some things I've discovered these past few months in my transformation from mundane 9-to-fiver into the fabulous undomestic goddess wannabe I currently am:

1. There actually is a limit to the number of times you can serve your children macaroni and cheese and frozen chicken nuggets. Even if the macaroni and cheese is Kraft.

2. Your house smells a lot better when you clean the toilets regularly as opposed to "when they look like they need it".

3. Soccer Moms do exist. Soccer Moms come in various shapes and sizes and some of them were planted here straight off the set of "Stepford Wives" in order to make newbie stay-at-home-moms feel even more inferior than they already felt.

4. It is impossible for a stay-at-home-mom to sleep in. Sleep is a naughty 5 letter word that SAHM's apparently aren't allowed to use, mumble, or otherwise act upon....AT ALL.

5. It's true that when you stay home, your house sometimes turns into a daycare. Complete with unruly children with very bad attitudes and haircuts to match.

6. It's also true that the arrival of the new "daycare kids" coincides with the amazing disappearance act of every stitch of food in your pantry.

7. It can also be said that other people's children can drive you to the brink of insanity. Which, honestly, makes it hard for you to drive ANYWHERE with these other people because you are feeling this intense need to "drive" them where their children have taken you. (NOTE: In these situations, it's best to keep both hands at your sides; refrain from grabbing the steering wheel).

8. The demand for late night activities with ones husband increases. This happens because the husband inevitably feels that since you are at home now, you are more relaxed (ie - you don't really do ALL that much during the day now, do you?). When you are more relaxed, you probably find your husband more attractive. I'm going to liken this phenomenon to chain vomiting. You know, one person throws up, another sees them and throws up, and it just goes on and on and on.

9. There are books to help those who cannot seem to run a house as efficiently as June Cleaver. Seriously, there are books!!!

10. There are also books on how to cook, yet another area of domesticity I haven't mastered, unless you count my unrivaled mastery of cooking Kraft Macaroni and Cheese while simultaneously baking cheesy chicken nuggets in the oven. Oh yeah, I make mean cereal too.

11. When you buy a minivan because you need to have more room to chauffeur around your own two kids and two dogs, apparently, this tells the world that you have room for their kids too. You've now become a bus driver without the ability to charge any money at all for the ride, and without the swanky drivers cap.

12. It is impossible to give up the vision of being a perfect mom when you stay home. Even after finding out that the perfect mom down the street attends swingers conventions and goes by the screen name "ScreaminGenie", you still hold tight to the dream of everyone on the face of the earth marveling at what a wonderful job you've done raising your kids, and, "Oh my! LOOK at how clean her house is!" Yeah, that's so not happening here...but, there's always tomorrow :)

Monday, July 10, 2006

okay, so now I'm REALLY back!!!

I've missed my bloggy friends :) Just a quick update, we moved to a new house - though our old one hasn't sold yet (crap). We took a week to settle in, and had some major problems with internet and phone that are hopefully fixed now. We will see though. I will post about the triumphs and tragedies that occur when one moves soon. For now, I would like to make a simple request that we all lend a small round of applause to Metrocast for finally getting us hooked up again.

Apparently, the new house had old connectors on the coaxial cable that schmeared our signal all to crap and made it so I couldn't even take a peek at everyone's blogs to see what they've been up to. The connection would be fine, and then I would start to think about visiting one of y'all, and it was like the grand internet barfed all over me then rolled over to take a nap without so much as an "I love you". I've been in hell everyone, and I've made it back to share the story. I've got loads to share - "How NOT to fill out too many Change of Address Forms (a.k.a - How NOT to get ANY mail - Even VERY Important Checks)", "How to Lose a Dog at a New House - Errr...Scratch that...TWO FRICKEN' DOGS", and my personal favorite "How Moving Companies Make All That Cash, 'Cuz Honestly, They're Loaded After What They Charged Us".

I've a feeling I've lost some of you along the way, so here's my apology for going MIA during a critical season of Mommydom - summer break. I miss you all and hope that I will hear from you soon!!!!

So, fill me in on what's new...leave some comments!!!! Please!!!!